“We must abstain from all foods and eating behaviors that cause us problems”

This is one of those quotes that I really hate.  It all goes back to that food plan that I keep avoiding.  I think someone is sending me a message “call your sponsor – write out your food plan”. 

The hard part is that sometimes these foods cause me no problems – and sometimes everything goes to hell.  But, I think the real hard part is that I don’t want to give up control.  I want it my way.  It says in the 12 X12 something like “we don’t really want to stop overeating – we really want to eat what we’d like but not get fat”.  That is the truth. 

Talk to you soon

“Our bodies send us signals about food which are quite different from those the normal eater receives.”

Man do I ever get weird signals about food.  It’s just so true.  I can not trust my own instincts when it comes to food.

In most areas of my life I have very good instincts.  But, when it comes to food, I am lost.  It usually happens in a flash, I’m giving one of my kids a snack, and the next thing I know, I’m having some too.  I don’t do these huge binges, but out of the blue, I find myself with some food that is not on my food plan. 

But, I think that’s the problem.  My food plan.  I emailed my sponsor about it, but I haven’t taken any action in getting in touch with her  to work it through.  The whole food plan thing scares me.  It feel so final.  So black or white.  And, I’m afraid I’m doomed to fail. 

But, I need a food plan.  And, all I can do is pray to God for help in finding the plan that is right for me.  Then, once I have a plan, I can pray for help in living within the plan.  But, one step at a time.  First things first and easy does it. 

But, in the end, the reason I slip is because I’m a compulsive overeater.  It’s not because I’m tired, angry, happy or depressed.  It’s because I’m a CO.  “Self knowledge availed us nothing, we stood at the turning point and asked His care and protection with complete abandon”.

And, so I ask God’s help with complete abandon.  Because I know I can’t do it on my own.  As it says in the closing prayer “I put my hand in yours, and together we can do what we could not do alone”.  Something to remember.

Talk to you soon.

“A normal eater gets full and looses interest in food.  We compulsive overeaters crave more.”

I’m not built like a normal person. I don’t have an off switch when it comes to food.  I can just keep on eating.  Even the feeling of being over-full doesn’t stop me.  In some weird way its a trigger to eat more.

For this reason any food plan that depends on self-regulating based on fullness is doomed.  I can’t depend on me to do this for me.  That’s just not reasonable.  That’s taking it back to self control, or will power.  I can’t do this.  I have to ask for help in managing my food. 

I sent an email yesterday to my sponsor telling her we need to talk about a food plan again.  But, that I’ve been avoiding it because food plans scare me.  They feel like a set-up for failure.  I feel as if I just can’t be that perfect, even with God’s help.  It just seems impossible.  But I had some trouble with food last night – and each time it happens I feel like shit. 

So, the Blog is working.  The other day I wrote about a plan of eating.  And that prompted me to write my sponsor.  I’m not happy about talking about a foodplan again.  But, I know it’s the right thing.

Talk to you soon.  Jacob

“In OA we learn that a lack of willpower isn’t what makes us compulsive overeaters.”

All my life people have talked to me about willpower.  And all my life I believed it.  If I just had a little more willpower.  If I just tried a little harder.  If I just stuck to my diet. 

It turns out that willpower is the enemy.  Willpower will kill me.  Willpower is all about my doing it on my own with my unaided will.  Willpower is all about me and nothing about God.  Willpower is me believing I have the power to do this.  Underneath it all, willpower is the belief that inside I’m a normal eater and this time if I just choose the right diet and try a little harder I can be a normal eater.

But, all that is just my CO head lying to me as usual.  My head wants me to believe that I’m a normal eater, somewhere deep inside.  My head doesn’t want to give up its will, doesn’t want to give up its power to God and the group.  Instead of listening to my head, I need to listen to my heart.  Listen to that still small voice inside.  That’s the voice of God – the voice of the group.  If I pay attention to that voice – if I turn my will and my life over to that voice – to God – to the group.  Then, I can be free.  I’ll never be a normal eater, but I can be happy, joyous and free.

Talk to you soon.

“Our eating may be out of control right now, we persisted in thinking, but someday soon we’ll again muster the strength of character needed to check our eating excesses.” 

That is the delusion.  The belif that it is really all about strength of character.  It’s all about willpower.  If I only tried harder.  If I make the right rules I’ll be able to stick to my diet.  This time I’ll buckle down and just do it. 

This is like the phrase in the Big Book, ”The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death”.  It is the same with eating.  It is the belief that this time I can eat the cookie, the bread, the chips.  That this time its OK, it doesn’t matter, I can handle it.

Even after all these years there’s part of me that believes that.  And I believe that until I let go of that delusion, I will struggle.  This is all part of acceptance.  A lot of the focus on acceptance is on the external; accepting people places and things.  But, the biggest area that I need to work on is accepting myself; exactly as I am. 

I am a CO and I’m just fine the way I am.  When I know and accept that, I feel great and my food is fine.

That’s all for now – talk to you again soon.

“Admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable”

No matter how many times I read this step, I always find a great joy and comfort in opening the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions to Step 1. Starting over – beginning again.  Nothing is more core to my OA program than admitting my powerlessness.  Powerless over food, powerless over other people, powerless over the world. 

But, just like the rest of the program, so simple and yet not easy.  I am constantly behaving as if I have power.  As if I can manage my food – manage my wife and kids – manage my work.  Somehow believing that this time I can do it, that I know what’s right for me and those around me.  Things should go the way I want them. 

And each time I have to re-learn surrender.  Giving in.  Letting go – letting God.   It’s a hard lesson for me to learn.  But, I’m getting better at it. 

Talk to you tomorrow